Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
