The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
