drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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