Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
