And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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