There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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