okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Pants are for mortals
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
