She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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