why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
