Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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