see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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