Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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