a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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