i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
