i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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