When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
