you have to choose: penises or morals?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
