clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
