I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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