I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
