even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
