WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
