god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize