I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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