I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
