im six kinds of drunk right now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
