My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize