I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
