I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
