I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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