So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
