Where did you get a picture of my penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
