Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize