This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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