Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
