your parents love me but you hate me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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