Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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