Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
