I smell stomach acid.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
