i don't plan on having that self control this summer
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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