also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
