Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
