I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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