I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
