Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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