the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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