Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
