Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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