sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
