Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
