Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
