Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
