Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
