I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
