so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
