This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
