I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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