I wish I could teleport
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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