fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize