If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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