You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
